Bollocks

 

"In this part of the website, the author goes on an expletive-laden rant about everything being wrong, or 'bollocks' as he says.  If you bristle at extreme swear words, then you best not read it."

 

It's a sad fact that everything is bollocks.  By 'everything', alright, I mean 99% of everything - just for all the pedants.  And it really is.  Computers are great...but they are also bollocks; they do weird things and suddenly crash.  The people who inhabit 'computer world' are strangely defensive of what is a really shit piece of technology.  We all know that Windows is pure crap a lot of the time.  I'm not going to give examples, as you must be already aware of it!  But then, A LOT of modern technology is bollocks.  I have had no less than six smartwatches - five of which wouldn't work with my phones.  One of them was a Garmin, after I was told by my niece that the problem was me buying cheap, crap Chinese watches.  So I splashed out on a Garmin watch for £129...and that didn't work, either.  I ended up getting my money back.  I changed phone yet again, and bought a cheap, crap Chinese smartwatch, as my line of thinking was, 'What's the point in spending out when it won't work?'.  When it got to the point of me almost running over it (as that's what I do when something technological - that will fit under my car - annoys me, and there is a video of me driving over my laptop) I decided to try a matching smartwatch - Samsung phone...so Samsung watch.  Admittedly, this worked...and is still working.  But why should I have to do that?  Why don't the cheap, crap Chinese watches work?  So is it the Chinese?  No!  It's that technology is bollocks.  American technology (software like Windows) is equally as shit as Chinese stuff.  Why would a printer - working fine for thousands of pages - suddenly decide to print a page in landscape???

 

Look at YouTube.  It was a fantastic idea - to have videos uploaded by anyone for others' entertainment.  Google, the owners of YouTube, wanted to make money from it, but instead of running ads at the bottom of the screen, they thought it would be a great idea to have not just a minute-long ad running before the video starts, but then to run another ad just a minute into the video!!!  Google have managed to make YouTube complete shit.  Thankfully, browsers such as Brave eliminate all YouTube ads.  But it's only a matter of time before Google find a way of stopping Brave from doing that.

 

Is this just some old fart sounding off because everything was better in his day?  No, it isn't, actually, because not everything was great when I was young.  In fact, a lot of it was bollocks.  But take my new car as an example; cars used to be simple.  It's a nice car (hybrid) which comes with two 'infotainment' screens'.  Fuck off, it's infotainment bollocks.  Needless to say, the information display doesn't work correctly.  It's completely illogical, and does its own thing every time I switch the ignition on.  It never 'saves' the info I have put in the last time I drove it.  For example, it makes an annoying noise if you creep more than 2 mph above the speed limit.  That's fair enough - a gentle reminder.  And yes, I can turn that off when it pisses me off (or just drive slower).  BUT...as soon as I turn the ignition off, it won't remember me turning it off, so it will turn back on again when you next turn the ignition on!  For fucks sake!  What sort of cunt designs something like that?

 

But there is something which has me reaching for the aspirin to stop me having a stroke through complete rage...

 

Whenever I have a tech problem, I search for a YouTube video on it.  After sitting through the mind-numbing ads, the video starts.  So, it says, go to settings.  Now click on devices.  Now click on parameters.  Now wait, my phone/computer/watch/camera DOES indeed, have a 'settings' button.  It does indeed, have a 'devices' button.  But from there, reality is detached from the video.  There is no 'parameters' button!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Why did the person who made the video not check that all the versions of his phone/computer/watch/camera have a 'parameters' button?  It's just HIS version that has it.  My wife's phone was only charging to 85% and we tried YouTube to discover why.  Sure enough, up comes a video to try and help.  The first video was from a cunt who thought it would be a good idea to spend the first half of the entire video explaining the problem.  No, I just want the solution, for fuck's sake!!!  So that went off with a downvote.  The next video, sure enough, says to go to 'settings'.  Click on that, then click on 'battery'.  Ok so far.  Then click on 'battery devices'.  NO, NO, NO!!!  There is no 'battery devices' to click on, you complete twat.  Why make a video which only helps if you have his actual phone with his version of firmware/software?  Bollocks.  I have come across this so many times that it makes my blood boil.

 

Another one, and nothing to do with technology:  You phone a company with a problem about a billing issue.  You get an answer-service with six options.  Annoying enough, but you press '5' for billing'.  You then get a voice telling you that you can press 1 for sales, 2 for store opening times, and 3 for billing.  Hold on, you have already heard that 3 is for sales and 6 is for opening times on the FIRST options...which is why you pressed fucking 5 - to get billing.  Why isn't 5 just for billing - why do they offer another chance to get sales or opening times?  If I wanted them, I would have pressed 3 or 6 on the first fucking options.  So you press 3 for billing.  Then (fucking bollocks) they tell you that you can get billing easier by going on to their website...and they proceed to spell out their website address, and that you've no need to try and get billing on the phone.  But you've already tried to get billing online, that's why you're fucking phoning them, because they didn't answer the emailed form!!!  Nevertheless, you have pressed 3 and waited.  Then, of course, you get an answer-service telling you that they are receiving an unprecedented number of calls at this moment, and to call back again later.  They are receiving an unprecedented number of calls because no cunt is replying on the website, forcing everyone to fucking phone!!!

 

I'll be adding more to this as I get older, no doubt!